This Weekend

 This weekend I.....

Enjoyed two days off (rare!), prepared for my man's bday, spent time at the beach, walked along the pier, made plans for next summer, pulled off a surprise evening for J's bday, had a night of drinks and dancing with friends, enjoyed a yummy Italian lunch, sweated way too much from the heat wave, ran/caught up on errands, watched the last of olympics games, napped from being tired from the heat.

Tomorrow I wake up early to start my new job! I am experiencing a rush of feelings: excited, nervous, disbelief, etc. This will be my first time in my life working full-time for one job. Of course I've been working 40-55 hours week between 2 jobs this entire summer, but now I get to focus my attention on just one position. I'm ready to give it my all, and make it through this probationary phase so that I can get the raise and hopefully move out of my place and start saving up for a new car. Wish me good luck on this new endeavor.

Living & Learning

(Me hiking Cabrillo Monument in Point Loma)

With so many things changing in my life at this moment...I feel like I am truly growing up. And with that comes making decisions-- important decisions. Decisions that cannot be catergorized as right or wrong, but decisions that can truly change the direction of my life. It's been hard for me to make these decisions, because it all comes with fear of the unknown and fear of not knowing what will happen in the end. Thats life though. Sometimes we know we want, but we don't always get it. Our lives can take completely different directions than what we may have planned for ourselves. 

So I am slowly learning to make those decisions, and learning from both the good and the bad that may result. I am taking everything as a lesson and experience. I have no idea where this life of mine will take me. But I am accepting this unknown journey and I am learning and becoming a better, more intelligent, and more well-rounded woman from it.

words to live by: growing from the past

I can say that this past year (summer 2011-summer 2012) has been an extremely tough year for me. I was at my all time low, and every factor of my life seemed to be hitting me hard. That summer I was optimistic about moving away from campus in a great condo, and having two jobs which would allow me to finally start saving up for a trip abroad. But things did not go that way at all. It all started in June 2011 when within a week I had moved into a new place, started two jobs, and the transmission in my car went out. Needless to say I was extremely stressed and also broke due to just moving. Eventually my car got fixed, but I was still in a financial bind. What made it better was a new guy I was seeing that eventually turned into a relationship. For once my love life was going right.

But within a month things turned sour again. He had broke up with me and didn't explain himself, he just ignored me which is the worst feeling. And even though I spent thousands on getting my transmission replaced, my car still continued to give me problems. And although I was busting my ass at two jobs and not even having a day off, I was still extremely broke.  I was stressed, confused, and hating my life.

By the time summer had ended I was a mess. I was bitter that I would be starting school again because if I was finished, I would be able to work and not be broke. I still worked whatever days I didn't go to school which was nice but meant no real days off. And somehow I got in contact with my ex again and we started talking again. The school year was such a mess for me and my self-confidence. I hated school and it drove me insane. I forced myself to study and hated it, because I felt like I should be working. The majority of my friends had graduated the year before and I saw them go off and get jobs and start the next chapter in their life. My car still gave me multiple problems, costing me more and more money. And still I kept talking to my ex....feeling some sense of importance because someone was interested in me. Even when I had found text messages to other girls, I still stuck around. I was stupid and didn't realize it till later on. What a blow it took to my self-esteem and image. I felt hopeless, unmotivated, and out of control of my life.

Eventually things did end with him. I got tired of making all this effort, when he could just sit back. So when I stopped, everything stopped between us. School still drove me nuts, but I knew I had just a matter of weeks left. So I used all my strength to keep going, even if it drove me insane. And shortly after I started talking to a nice young man that is now my boyfriend. In the end...I made it! I graduated with my bachelors in biology and finally had a healthy and happy love life.

And I was happy for a while afterwards, but I let anxiety and worry get the best of me this summer. I found myself not being happy because I was still broke (again working two jobs, but this time between 40-55 hours a week). I thought it would be somewhat easy to land a decent job outside of graduation considering I live in a large city and because of my major. And even though I was sending out multiple applications a day, days would turn into weeks, and weeks into months and I wouldn't hear anything back. I was extremely jealous and bitter at all the fun activities and vacations my friends got to partake in because they had the money. And even though I was in this great relationship and really happy with my boyfriend, I still would have this fear in the back of my mind that he would leave me for his ex-gf, since they had shared a history being on-off. It took me a while to realize that that fear had stemmed from my past relationship with my ex, and me still talking to him even though he was talking to other girls. It had made me feel not good-enough, not pretty-enough, not funny-enough, etc. Just everything about this past year had left me feeling weak and fragile, both emotionally and mentally.

But I feel like its time to embark on this new chapter of my life. I can't change the past year, I can only learn  from it. And as much as I hate to admit it, it will always have an effect on me and my esteem. But I am working so hard on that. And I know that I will be able to grow from it. I am working on being more positive and giving myself more credit. I am pretty, I am strong, and I can do anything. I need to stop worrying about tomorrow, accept what I have, and be thankful for it. I have a lot to look forward to in this crazy thing called life.

+Positivity

So I have very good news my friends.......

I GOT A FULL-TIME JOB!

Yes it is true! And I am still kind of in shock...but I am now an administrative assistant for a local pest control company.  Its an 8:00-5:00 Monday-Friday which means I will get my weekends back! If I pass the probationary phase after 45 days, I will then get a raise and benefits. I am happy that finally someone has seen something in me and has decided to give me the chance. I finally landed a big-kid job after finishing my bachelors and now I can say that it feels like my life is coming together. 

I refuse to sink

(via)

My week of positivity went okay. I started of strong, got a weak in the middle, and then picked it up again.  But life has been pretty much the same, with minor updates. Haven't really heard back about too many jobs, so I am still working 40-50 hours a week between my two jobs. I've still been applying like crazy and I'm hoping to step my game up as we are entering August and will be ending my second job in about three week. My car has been having MORE issues, but the bf and his mom were sweet enough to help me take care of it. But I really need a new car with less problems. 

For August I am hoping for more adventures, friend time, a new job, and saving up for a new car.

words to live by

Its another 50+ hour work week for me, yet I decided to start this week off differently. I feel like my negative thinking is not going to make anything better. I've been bitter, frustrated, angry, and almost depressed at times. I've been complaining out of my ass about anything and everything. I've been using my excuse of working two jobs and over 40 hours a week as a reason to explain excessive tiredness and make excuses all around. I know I don't give myself enough credit a lot of the time, but I also know I can do better. I need to stop feeling bad for myself and just suck it up.

At the same time maybe its time to put in some more effort on my search for a new job. Maybe I need to switch some things up. Obviously, whatever I am doing is not working. But I want to be more proactive, because time is winding down. I know I deserve it and I know I want it so bad. I will continue to be patient, but I will also continue to work hard.

My goal this week: work hard, no complaining, stay humble

Still on a mission

I'm ashamed that I haven't updated in almost a month. That wasn't my intention. But every time I found myself trying to update, I felt myself getting ready to write the same negative post over again. And I didn't want to bore anyone (including myself) with redundancy.

But since I updated things have pretty much been the same. I've been over-worked and still struggling. I still have not heard back from any jobs. I'm just hoping that something comes through soon. I've gotten invited on so many great adventures: roadtrips to LA, hiking in the great redwoods, and vegas. But yet, I can't afford it or even take time off. Its a lame cycle. I keep trying to get myself to think positively.