NYE

Just wanted to wish everyone a safe and happy new year!

2011 in Review

In January I rang in the new year in a sloppy kind of drunk mess. Had to take care of some friends but I still would never forget it. I also had my first new years kiss in a few years. A few days later I traveled to Dallas to visit my brother and his family. We then embarked on the most epic road trip to New Orleans. We hit some pretty major cities such as Dallas-Austin-Houston-Galveston-New Orleans. We ate mufalettas and shrimp etfufee, drank grenades, and danced the night away. He also couldn't handle his liquor which ended up in me having to learn how to drive stick-shift through the backroads of Louisiana. I started another semester of college and finally declared my biology major after 3.5 years of school work. I got extensions and loved it :) I also tried ballet for the first time in about 15 years.  I also finalized my plans to go to Cabo for spring break with my friends. January was a pretty happening month!!

In February I ordered some betsey johnson goodies for myself since I had credit on amazon.com. I started the application process to obtain my passport in order to go to Mexico. On the downside I got a horrible sinus infection and I spent valentines day alone thanks to being single and have 2 exams. I was running a lot and trying to watch what I ate. I also camped out all night for basketball tickets to our school's biggest game of the year.

In March I complained a lot about how much I disliked my biochem lab. But I obtained my passport and was one step closer to spring break. I started contemplating about what to do after college as my dreams of optometry school seemed out of reach due to financial issues. I took a road trip up to Ventura with my roomie and a few days later I left for the most epic spring break trip of my life! I went on a 5 day cruise of san diego to cabo san lucas with 7 of the most amazing friends. No drama! Just relaxing, tanning, and drinking. Hands down a vacation I will remember for the rest of my life.

In April I started thinking more and more about my future. I stopped caring less about money and more about my happiness. Unfortunately, a good guy friend of mine overstepped his boundaries and we ended our friendship.  I just spend most of the month focusing on school and studying.

In May I was able to get a second job for the summer which turned into a job that I ended up keeping.  I stressed out over finals more than usual thanks to my computer crashing on me.  The majority of my friends graduated and some moved away. I started getting into a funk that remained with me for the remainder of the year. I felt like a complete mess all the time.

In June things really seemed to take a toll for the worst. Within a few days I had started 2 jobs, summer school, moved into a new condo, and my car broke down. That made me incredibly stressed out, to the point where I was breaking down everyday. I was however completely thankful for the people in my life and all their help! I couldn't have done it without them! I started talking to a boy that I liked a lot.

In July I could breathe a little bit easier. My car was back and money was a little bit better. I had gotten a hold of everything in my life, but not 100% completely. I was still in a funk. I started a relationship and had someone new to spend time with. Usually summer has been carefree and fun, but it never quite felt like summer.

In August I felt myself falling apart more. I was so angry about how everything was going with my life. I  wanted to be happy. But instead I felt angry that I was still in school, angry that I worked two jobs and was still broke, angry that I couldn't even keep a boyfriend (yup he broke up with me). I went home to visit my family, and went out to SF for a fun night with friends. I also got a new position at my job that paid more. And at the end of the month I started school even though I was completely dreading it and so over it.

In September school took over my life once again. I couldn't stand the fact that I still had to study like crazy all the time. I mentally would beat myself up. Things finally hit me when I realized my friends who had moved would not be coming back for the school year. I started talking to the ex again. I turned 22 and my birthday was a complete disaster to the point where it made me never want to celebrate another bday.

In October the museum was shut down to put in a new exhibit so I was off work for a few weeks.  I ended up getting a bacterial infection from my lab and had to go to the hospital. I didn't celebrate halloween because I had 3 exams the following week.

In November a friend came to visit for a few days. I didn't have too much time to complain about how much I hated school because I was busy studying like crazy and working on various projects. I went home for almost a week for thanksgiving.

In December I worked like a mad-woman the first few weeks thanks to finals and the end of the semester. I barely worked and had my co-workers cover my shifts so that I could study. I ended up doing really well on my finals and grade wise for the semester. I came home for a week and celebrated christmas at my aunt and uncles new house. The rest of my break consisted of being lazy and relaxing.

I'm not going to lie, my year started off amazing and then started going down hill. I don't expect life to be perfect, but for once I felt out of control of my own life. I started taking a step back and looking at all of my blessings instead of looking at what went wrong or "what if" something else had happened instead. It was overall a growing experience. I proved to myself that I was stronger than I've ever known. And even though I was angry and felt like giving up-- I didn't, I kept going. There is so much to look forward to in 2012 and so much that is unknown. If you ask me, where do I see myself in 6 months? I couldn't give you an answer. I don't know if I'll be in California or living in another state. I don't know if I'll be working or in school. So much is up in the air. But thats what makes life exciting, you can only plan so much because you don't know what will happen. Its all it gods hands.

Merry Christmas

Merry christmas everyone! So happy I got to spend time with my family, eat delicious food, and have lots of laughs. I feel like holidays are starting to become more and more about appreciating the little things and less about the materialistic things (which is how it should be).  This year has been a year full of experiences and learning, and I am happy to end this year on a good note. So thankful for everything and everyone in my life.

christmas wishes

I just cannot believe that we are five days away from christmas! Once again the holidays have just snuck up on me. Its been like this for the past five years thanks to being in college. December is usually when I'm the most busiest in terms of school, and then finals usually are so close to christmas that I just don't have enough time to mentally prepare for the holidays. I hate that :( But it will change one day.

Christmas has been really different for me the past few years or so. So much has changed this past few years, but I do not like to think about it in a negative way. I have grown these past years in so many ways, definitely for the better. I am not asking for much this holiday season, just some little things I could use. For example, a new camera battery and iphone charger. I am not expecting much. I am however, looking forward to lots of good cooking, seeing my aunts new house, and playing lots of fun games with my family. What are you guys looking forward to this christmas? What did you ask for?

Take the good with the bad; 2011 reflection

2011 hasn't been the easiest for me. Things were great the first half of the year--school, no work, vacations out of state and out of the country. But the very start of summer brought around a time of headache, pain, and confusion. I felt miserable, and like nothing was going to give. Summer is usually the best time of the year for me, but for once i felt like nothing was going right.  In one week I had started working TWO jobs, I started summer classes, I had moved into a new apartment, and my car had broken down on me and needed a $5,000 new transmission. I felt like things were not looking up at all. My whole goal in the summer was to work two jobs to save money for a new laptop (mine completely died a month earlier) and take summer classes. But with no way of getting to work and having no money to replace it, this seemed impossible. I was already behind on bills due to moving expenses and paying for summer school classes. I felt horrible. The only thing that was going right was a guy that I was talking to and was very interested in. For once my love life was actually going right, while it felt like the rest of my life was a mess.

In July I felt like I could breathe a little. I found out my insurance was able to cover the expenses of getting my car fixed. I also got my deposit back from my previous house which allowed me to catch up on my bills. For once things were better, even though they weren't great.  I worked my ass off, and went a month without a day off. Seeing friends & starting a relationship were the only things that kept me sane. I was so happy to have a boyfriend since it had been years since I was in a relationship. He made me happy and treated me well. Unfortunately, I found that my car was still having problems. And that having my car in the shop for over 2 weeks and replacing the transmission for $5,000 did not fix my car. I was completely frustrated.

But the rollercoaster of summer did not stop. The boyfriend that made me feel like the happiest girl in the world broke up with me shortly after, stating he didn't want to be in a relationship. I couldn't bare the fact that I couldn't even keep a boyfriend and blamed myself. Because there had to be something wrong with me. I continued working like a mad woman but was still broke. At the end of the summer I felt frustrated, physically & emotionally tired, and very unhappy with the state of my life. I kept wondering why this was happening to me. For once in my life I felt like a complete and utter wreck.

How can I sum up the rest of the year? Better but not great. For once my usual positive & optimistic thinking was thrown away. I hated the fact that I was still in school and it consumed my life. I hated that I felt out of control of what was going on with my life. I hated that I worked a lot but didn't have a lot of money. I did not want things to be perfect, I just did not want them to be the way they were. Seeing the happiness of friends made it worse. As they settled into their post-college lifestyles, I couldn't help but be jealous.  I always wanted to create a life of my own, being independent, making money, enjoying my job, and having free time to enjoy the company of friends and a boyfriend. This is not how I pictured my life at 22, and it made me unhappy.

As it approaches mid-december I finally see my thinking changing, and its changing my life for the better.  Its not necessarily that things have gotten drastically better, because I still feel like things aren't too far off from where they were just a few months ago. Its just that I've come to the realization of a few things: 

 1. Life is not perfect/Accepting things. I think I've become so wrapped in my good life, that I didn't really realize how good I had it until things changed. I was always comparing myself to the happiness of others. I always thought I didn't have it good because I didn't have any money, or because I had to work so much, or because I couldn't go on vacations, or because I had a hard major and was stuck studying all the time. I also complained about what I didn't have: No new clothes, no money to do fun things like go to a concert, a car thats broken, and no boyfriend to keep me happy. And thats fine. But I realized I had a lot more than most others. I had a roof over my head, a steady job, I can pay for most of my own bills, I am months away from graduating with a degree in biology, and i am blessed to be able to fill my refrigerator with food.

2. Giving myself more credit. I've said it many of times, that I feel like a mess. And nothing summed up my life more these past few months. I don't consider myself one of those girls that has all her shit together, because I definitely don't. And I think thats what I wanted so desperately for myself. I wanted to feel like I had it together, I wanted to feel in control. Seeing friends getting jobs after college, renting apartments by the beach, buying new cars, having love lives, and being grown up made me crave it so much. Its the life I've always wanted---to be young, free, and independent. Not having that made me bitter. But the truth is, I need to give myself more credit for my accomplishments. No I don't have that life yet, but I am attempting a biology degree which is a lot more rigorous and time consuming then the majors my friends graduated with. No, I don't have a lot of money to do the things I want to do (travel, concerts, etc) but I can pay my own bills. No, I don't get straight As. But I am the first to go to college in my family. My grandma hid tunnels in the grown in WWII while her island was being bombed, she came to this country without a high school education and spoke little english. My grandpa was a sharecropper and ran-away in fear of a white man trying to kill him. No, I do not have a boyfriend. But I am a pretty girl, with a great head on her shoulders, and an education. So what? I don't completely have my life together. But I am keeping it together, and I haven't given up yet. Not to say there aren't days where I don't feel like it. I need to recognize myself for what I do accomplish everyday, instead of complaining about what I don't do right. I don't have together right now, but I am a work in progress, and one day I will.

3. Have faith and stop worrying. i'm not going to lie. I kept telling myself "Things can only get better from here". And many times they continued to get worse. Yes, a complete slap in the face and a shitty shitty feeling. Every time I think I can breathe, there is just one extra thing that comes out of nowhere. Seriously. I've realized, there is nothing I could do about it. To stop worrying and to stop asking "when will things get better?" And to instead enjoy each day. Lets face it, its not like a bag of money is going to fall out the sky. Its not like my future husband knows where I live and is going to walk straight up to my door and announce his love. I decided to have faith and know that things will get better, not all of a sudden, but day by day. Find the happy things in each day. Don't stress about the bad ones, thats why tomorrow is a new day. 

2011 has taught me a lot; more than I could ever imagine. I've grown in ways un-imagineable. I was brought from a lifestyle of carefree living to stress and worrying, all within a few months. Yea, it sucked. But I proved to myself that I can handle anything. I proved to myself that I can indeed handle everything that comes with life. 2011 has been quite the emotional roller coaster. Of course I pray that 2012 will be a better year for me, and I already see things looking up. 

Having flaws makes you real

I haven't updated in a long time due to being busy & my life not being that exciting.  I will be finished with this semester in a little over a week. I am tired and I am drained, which is the story of my life.  I am a work in progress.

like a dream come alive; incredible

So busy & exhausted from life

I could use a break or vacation or both :)