2011 hasn't been the easiest for me. Things were great the first half of the year--school, no work, vacations out of state and out of the country. But the very start of summer brought around a time of headache, pain, and confusion. I felt miserable, and like nothing was going to give. Summer is usually the best time of the year for me, but for once i felt like nothing was going right. In one week I had started working TWO jobs, I started summer classes, I had moved into a new apartment, and my car had broken down on me and needed a $5,000 new transmission. I felt like things were not looking up at all. My whole goal in the summer was to work two jobs to save money for a new laptop (mine completely died a month earlier) and take summer classes. But with no way of getting to work and having no money to replace it, this seemed impossible. I was already behind on bills due to moving expenses and paying for summer school classes. I felt horrible. The only thing that was going right was a guy that I was talking to and was very interested in. For once my love life was actually going right, while it felt like the rest of my life was a mess.
In July I felt like I could breathe a little. I found out my insurance was able to cover the expenses of getting my car fixed. I also got my deposit back from my previous house which allowed me to catch up on my bills. For once things were better, even though they weren't great. I worked my ass off, and went a month without a day off. Seeing friends & starting a relationship were the only things that kept me sane. I was so happy to have a boyfriend since it had been years since I was in a relationship. He made me happy and treated me well. Unfortunately, I found that my car was still having problems. And that having my car in the shop for over 2 weeks and replacing the transmission for $5,000 did not fix my car. I was completely frustrated.
But the rollercoaster of summer did not stop. The boyfriend that made me feel like the happiest girl in the world broke up with me shortly after, stating he didn't want to be in a relationship. I couldn't bare the fact that I couldn't even keep a boyfriend and blamed myself. Because there had to be something wrong with me. I continued working like a mad woman but was still broke. At the end of the summer I felt frustrated, physically & emotionally tired, and very unhappy with the state of my life. I kept wondering why this was happening to me. For once in my life I felt like a complete and utter wreck.
How can I sum up the rest of the year? Better but not great. For once my usual positive & optimistic thinking was thrown away. I hated the fact that I was still in school and it consumed my life. I hated that I felt out of control of what was going on with my life. I hated that I worked a lot but didn't have a lot of money. I did not want things to be perfect, I just did not want them to be the way they were. Seeing the happiness of friends made it worse. As they settled into their post-college lifestyles, I couldn't help but be jealous. I always wanted to create a life of my own, being independent, making money, enjoying my job, and having free time to enjoy the company of friends and a boyfriend. This is not how I pictured my life at 22, and it made me unhappy.
As it approaches mid-december I finally see my thinking changing, and its changing my life for the better. Its not necessarily that things have gotten drastically better, because I still feel like things aren't too far off from where they were just a few months ago. Its just that I've come to the realization of a few things:
1. Life is not perfect/Accepting things. I think I've become so wrapped in my good life, that I didn't really realize how good I had it until things changed. I was always comparing myself to the happiness of others. I always thought I didn't have it good because I didn't have any money, or because I had to work so much, or because I couldn't go on vacations, or because I had a hard major and was stuck studying all the time. I also complained about what I didn't have: No new clothes, no money to do fun things like go to a concert, a car thats broken, and no boyfriend to keep me happy. And thats fine. But I realized I had a lot more than most others. I had a roof over my head, a steady job, I can pay for most of my own bills, I am months away from graduating with a degree in biology, and i am blessed to be able to fill my refrigerator with food.
2. Giving myself more credit. I've said it many of times, that I feel like a mess. And nothing summed up my life more these past few months. I don't consider myself one of those girls that has all her shit together, because I definitely don't. And I think thats what I wanted so desperately for myself. I wanted to feel like I had it together, I wanted to feel in control. Seeing friends getting jobs after college, renting apartments by the beach, buying new cars, having love lives, and being grown up made me crave it so much. Its the life I've always wanted---to be young, free, and independent. Not having that made me bitter. But the truth is, I need to give myself more credit for my accomplishments. No I don't have that life yet, but I am attempting a biology degree which is a lot more rigorous and time consuming then the majors my friends graduated with. No, I don't have a lot of money to do the things I want to do (travel, concerts, etc) but I can pay my own bills. No, I don't get straight As. But I am the first to go to college in my family. My grandma hid tunnels in the grown in WWII while her island was being bombed, she came to this country without a high school education and spoke little english. My grandpa was a sharecropper and ran-away in fear of a white man trying to kill him. No, I do not have a boyfriend. But I am a pretty girl, with a great head on her shoulders, and an education. So what? I don't completely have my life together. But I am keeping it together, and I haven't given up yet. Not to say there aren't days where I don't feel like it. I need to recognize myself for what I do accomplish everyday, instead of complaining about what I don't do right. I don't have together right now, but I am a work in progress, and one day I will.
3. Have faith and stop worrying. i'm not going to lie. I kept telling myself "Things can only get better from here". And many times they continued to get worse. Yes, a complete slap in the face and a shitty shitty feeling. Every time I think I can breathe, there is just one extra thing that comes out of nowhere. Seriously. I've realized, there is nothing I could do about it. To stop worrying and to stop asking "when will things get better?" And to instead enjoy each day. Lets face it, its not like a bag of money is going to fall out the sky. Its not like my future husband knows where I live and is going to walk straight up to my door and announce his love. I decided to have faith and know that things will get better, not all of a sudden, but day by day. Find the happy things in each day. Don't stress about the bad ones, thats why tomorrow is a new day.
2011 has taught me a lot; more than I could ever imagine. I've grown in ways un-imagineable. I was brought from a lifestyle of carefree living to stress and worrying, all within a few months. Yea, it sucked. But I proved to myself that I can handle anything. I proved to myself that I can indeed handle everything that comes with life. 2011 has been quite the emotional roller coaster. Of course I pray that 2012 will be a better year for me, and I already see things looking up.
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